Several institutions around the globe have taken to throwing birthday parties for their primates.

There is Delu at the Oregon Zoo:

Delu has crossed some major milestones recently, weaning herself from her mother’s milk and losing her pure-white baby coloring. She now looks a lot like her parents, with a black body and white shoulders, back and beard.

These are milestones? If she just sat there and did nothing, this would happen. First step, first word, first poop…that’s a milestone. But this is not something even learned and we’re throwing a party. Woohoo!

Then there is Kivu at the Devon Zoo in England:

Devon zoo staff helped a gorilla celebrate his fifth birthday with a homemade cake with carrots for candles.

The mixed fruit and nut cake was topped off with berries and seeds and five carrot candles. It was made by Paignton Zoo volunteer Linda Putt.

And don’t forget Matze and Charly in the Frankfurt Zoo in Germany:

The world’s oldest fertile gorilla and orang-utan in captivity, Matze and Charly, jointly celebrated their 50th birthdays with a cake each at Frankfurt Zoo on Thursday.

What a claim to fame. How would you like to be introduced like this? “Hi. This is Sherri. She’s the oldest fertile woman in the family. Sarah is a dried up shrew, but Sherri’s still got it where it counts!”

They’re animals. If we build up their self-esteem, they’ll be worse than the kids are now. They’ll expect the world and when they find out they can’t get it, then we’ll see some unstable kids…er…I mean, monkeys running loose.