So Puerto Rico (Occupied Territory) is having some issues with some escaped mutant monkeys. Or at least that’s what it sounds like reading this article at the Orlando Sentinel:

Puerto Rico officials have a new plan to solve their monkey problem: export them to Central Florida.

About 30 patas monkeys have been shipped to the Florida International Teaching Zoo in Sumter County as part of a larger strategy to capture, neuter, track and export packs of monkeys that have invaded the island from a defunct research facility.

Holy tainted bloodstream, Batman! Research monkeys with a chip on their shoulder, running rampant on an island. Too bad there’s a writer’s strike happening, I think I have Nicolas Cage’s next flick! Samuel L. Jackson can say “Enough is enough! I have had it with these motherf**king monkeys on this motherf**ucking island!”

Farmers in Puerto Rico’s rich Lajas agricultural valley have been calling for the extermination of the monkeys, which have destroyed crops since they first escaped from an abandoned monkey-research facility 27 years ago. Some estimate there are 2,000 monkeys in the valley, causing millions of dollars in crop damage.

There are monkeys everywhere in Lajas valley. Monkeys in the fruit and vegetable fields. Monkeys in the banana trees. Monkeys swimming in backyard pools. Monkeys crawling over moving cars.

Monkeys acting like biker gangs, townsfolk cowering in fear. It’s like an ape plague!

“They are a pest, a terrible plague,” (Hey, that’s what I said!) said Georgie Ferrer, a local farmer. “After years of dealing with them, we’ve had it.”

In September, a pack of monkeys broke into a house to take a dip in the pool. The family — who taped it with a video camera — was awakened by the uninvited guests having a pool party at dawn.

Initially, the farmers were afraid of the monkeys. Most of them had never seen one up close. Word quickly spread that these monkeys had been used for medical experiments, which gave life to wild rumors: The monkeys had AIDS; the Pentagon had trained them to kill; some had their brains removed like zombies.

Brainless monkey zombies!!! I hadn’t thought of that. This menace has taken a very unexpected and sinister step.

“It’s going to be hell if you just come in and shoot them,” said the agency’s secretary, Javier Velez Arocho. “You will disperse the colonies and push them into the mountains. If they make it there, you can pretty much forget about catching them.”

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