From The Power of Negative Blogging comes some sage advice: 

So I was surfing around the intrawebs and found this great site called:


Wikihow is site that explains how to do just about anything. Need to learn how to clean your clothes dryer vent? Or perform telekinesis? How about making up a new language? It has just about everything. So I poked around and found something that combines negative worse-case-scenario planning with my disdain for monkeys:

How to Prevent or Survive a Monkey Attack

from wikiHow – The How to Manual That You Can Edit

Whether in the remote forests of Bali or in the backyard of some exotic animal dealer, you may encounter a monkey. To avoid bodily injury to yourself or to the monkey, read on for tips on how to protect yourself from any “unwanted” contact.

Let’s be honest. Almost all contact from a monkey would be unwanted. If you seek out a monkey for contact, you seriously need to re-evaluate your life and where you’re heading.

Steps

  1. Learn that whatever the situation is, never heckle a monkey. They have feelings and get irritated, and they are very instinctive. So if you anger or annoy a monkey it will bite, scratch or inflict other bodily harm upon you. As a former professional stand-up, take it from me, you should never heckle anyone. Sure you think you’re going to say something funnier than the comic, but more likely than not you going to be walking into a buzzsaw. Comics are paid to rip people apart, so don’t bring your butter knife like wit to a tactical nuke fight. Same with monkeys, they’ll rip you a new one. Literally!
  2. Take proper precautions, depending on the situation. Look around and think to yourself, “Is the monkey in a secure enclosure?” If not, “Is there a place where I can secure myself if the monkey were to attack?” Avoid operations where monkeys are on leashes or tied to trees. Again, if you are frequenting places with leashed or tied up monkeys, seek help. Find a nice hobby. Maybe create nice duct tape wallets or something.
  3. Recognize that even if the monkey is in a cage or enclosure, you need to stay a distance away from the cage. Do not put your hands on the cage, either. Just watch from a distance.
  4. If you are in a situation where the monkey is not in a cage, you’re playing a whole different ball game. Again think, “Is the monkey loose?” “On a chain or rope?” “Within grabbing distance?” If the situation seems safe, proceed to the next step. Do not take your eye off the little bugger. They may try and steal your nice new wallet you made from duct tape.
  5. Step back and look at yourself. Do you have food, shiny jewelery, glasses, children or toys with you? If so, you should remove those items or yourself from the situation. Monkeys are attracted things that shine, smell good and make noise, so be aware of what you may be dangling in front of their faces. My favorite part of this step is the lump food, fashion accessories and toys in with children. I honestly believe some parent have children just to be an accessory to their lives. It justifies they’re Porsche Cayenne. And be careful dangling children in monkey’s faces. Children slobber (shine), smell like stale peanut butter and make noise. The holy trinity of trouble.
  6. Stay calm in the unfortunate and unlikely event that you are attacked. If the monkey charges you, don’t fight back. The monkey can run, jump and climb better than you. Find something to get in between you and the monkey–a garbage can lid, a car or a steel door, anything you have that works. Or you can use the child from step 5.
  7. Protect yourself by barricading yourself somewhere–a bathroom or building of some sort, your car. Anything safe and secure should be fine. Unless you’ve really angered or annoyed the monkey, it should lose interest within minutes and go away. Otherwise it will hunt you down for the rest of your days!!
  8. Notify the owner first and then animal control, but only if absolutely necessary. Apparently monkeys really hate snitches.
  9. Never get within the monkey’s reach.
  10. Many monkeys roam wild but are frequently in contact with humans. Monkeys like these are frequently taunted by children throwing stones and other objects at them. A good tactic for scaring away a monkey is to pretend to throw something at them or to carry a couple of small rocks to throw at the ground near the monkey’s feet. Never throw the stone directly at the monkey unless you are in serious danger. This is a tried and true method used by creationists. Not only can you literally fight evolution, you can recreate David slaying Goliath!

Tips

  • Be careful of piercings. Enough said. Enough said? Are we talking our piercings or the monkeys?
  • Never, ever show your teeth. To a monkey, a big toothy grin means a challenge. He will definitely attack you. He will actually wipe that smug grin off your face. Very gruesome.
  • Keep your distance. It takes a long time for a monkey to trust you enough to let you get close–several weeks to months. Unless you are in a controlled situation, do not go near the monkey. Monkeys don’t trust you and you sure as hell better not trust them. I’m not kidding about the wallet thing.
  • Do not underestimate a monkey’s strength. They are stronger than you think. Unless you think they are superhuman mutant monkeys that can throw a car. They can’t throw cars. Not even a Mini Cooper.
  • Be the bigger primate. Don’t yell, scream or sing to the monkey. Being aggressive will only get you attacked. You are the human, you have the frontal cortex, you can differentiate between right and wrong. So don’t act like an idiot. This tip has eliminated every person who has ever auditioned from American Idol.
  • Long hair is dangerous. Tie it back or put it up when around monkeys. Here is the only thing monkeys and I agree on. We hate those damn hippies!
  • Use common sense and be safe!

Warnings

  • Monkeys are animals; they are dangerous and unpredictable.
  • Certain monkeys, when in groups, defend and attack together, so don’t go out drunk wanting to pick a fight with a band of monkeys because they will probably win. Guess you’ll have to make different plans for Spring Break.
  • Realize what calling animal control does. It says, “We’re freaking out, there is a dangerous animal here.” In some states if you report a loose monkey, or a bite, animal control will come and shoot the monkey. Just because you’re dealing with an animal who can’t defend itself doesn’t mean free reign- if you call animal control you better be serious. So think about the consequences.
  • Monkeys have been known to fling their feces. Try to wear goggles when in the vicinity. It’s not unlike going to a day care.
  • Monkeys are your physical superior, don’t forget that some monkeys can rip sapplings out of the ground. And danglings from your groin.

Things You’ll Need

  • A safe environment.
  • Somewhere to escape and secure yourself
  • A monkey(s) Really? You need a monkey? I guess you can’t prevent an attack if there is no monkey to potentially attack you. Good work, Columbo.
  • Some smarts – Not much, but some.
  • Goggles
  • Common sense – The most uncommon thing in the world today.

So there you have it. Everything you’ll need to know to prevent an attack. Good luck and God speed!

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