Not satisfied with just stealing and sabotage, the punkeys in Mumbai (Occupied Territory) have started a psychological campaign against us too. From the Times of India:

Two monkeys who have made the Bandra skywalk their home have been causing havoc and indulging in inappropriate behaviour. Not only have they nipped at pedestrians and snatched their bags, they have even been seen mating on the skywalk.

There is nothing more psychologically damaging than seeing monkeys mate!

In the last month, at least 30 people have been bitten, one of them a security guard, J R Dubey, who has been posted there by the Mumbai Metropolitan Region Development Authority. The MMRDA has constructed the zigzagging yellow 1.3 km walkway, which became operational two months ago.

Not a single security official can explain where the simians have leapt from. One of them has a iron ring around its neck. Dubey said, “I have seen at least five people being attacked. I’ve been bitten twice. It’s terrifying to work here. In the night, the monkeys sleep behind the hoardings on the Western Express highway, and at other times, when they tired of the skywalk, they hide in the rain trees near Bandra station.”

Poonam Shah, 22, said she and her friends were happily strolling down the skywalk when a monkey bit her and snatched a cellphone from her friend’s hand. “I had to take five injections to avoid rabies. It’s really scary to walk here, but I do not have any other option,” she said.

While this correspondent was trying to get a picture of the monkeys, one of them obliged by snatching at the bag of an elderly woman, only to drop it after discovering that it contained fish.

Okay, you can’t blame them for dropping the bag if it’s full of fish. At least they have some taste.

TOI phoned MMRDA bosses Ratnakar Gaikwad, Milind Mhaiskar and Ashwini Bhide and told them about the untoward activity on their otherwise pedestrian-friendly bridge. Spokesperson Dilip Kawathkar said he would ask the security officers to do the needful. Range forest officer Rajendra Magdum, whose job profile includes tackling stray monkeys, said, “I will deploy two men on Saturday to trap them.”

MMRDA guards plan to light firecrackers to scare the duo away, but this will not be a permanent solution. Environmentalist Debi Goenka said the MMRDA should ask the forest department to help capture and translocate them in a forest outside Mumbai. Sanctuary Magazine editor Bittu Sehgal said, “They should be captured. In all probability, they are hungry and must have escaped from a madariwalla.”

When will humankind wake up and smell the monkey poop? It’s obvious that the monkey menace is testing us and with each incident, their information base grows. But as the people in Ahmedabad (Occupied Territory) believe, it’s just some cute, fuzzy monkey scared and stranded. From the Times of India:

It was a strange moment for Ahmedabad Fire and Emergency Services (AFES) officials when they got a call from Bapunagar stating that a monkey has made its way on the top of a cell phone tower. Officials rescued the monkey after an operation of half-an-hour on Saturday. According to officials, the incident took place at Yogeshwar Park Society where a private mobile service providers tower is located. According to some eye witnesses, a group of monkeys came to the place, out of which one climbed the ladder and reached on the top of the tower.

“The monkey was so scared by the group gathered near him that he could not come down on his own. We extended a ladder to him, but it hesitated. After some time he used the ladder to come down and ran in the opposite direction,” a fire brigade official said.

Officials used 20-ft ladder used for rescue operations in the times of calamities and fire incidents.

This monkey wasn’t scared to come down; he was scared to get caught! Like any terrorist organization, the group convinces some poor soul to commit the act against their target. That way only one person is caught and the rest can flee into the woods to plot again!

Finally, someone is taking the monkey menace seriously. In Taipei, Taiwan (Occupied Territory) they call it “monkey peril” but it’s still the same. From the China Post:

Chinese invented and used rockets in the early Ming period (1368-1644).

Its inventors couldn’t possibly have imagined that the weapon which was used for warfare would now be fired to scare macaques away from kaki orchards near Kukeng.

Kaki is the Japanese persimmon tree. Its fruit is very sweet.

That’s the reason why macaques, an endangered species of monkey indigenous to Taiwan, come out in droves to pick the fruit when it is ripe for the picking.

The only option open to kaki orchard farmers in the remote village in the county of Yunlin to end what they call the monkey peril is to hire primate control experts to scare away the marauders.

No macaques can be killed, according to the wildlife protection law. Three rocket manipulators have been hired.

Armed with plenty of rockets and firecrackers, the primate controllers are on guard from morning to dusk every day when the kaki trees are heavy with ripening fruit.

“Well, we have to work at 5 o’clock in the morning,” a rocket launcher said yesterday.

Chiang Chang-chuan said monkeys start to raid orchards shortly after sunrise. “And they are active throughout the daylight,” he added.

He and his two partners have to fire rockets every 20 minutes until sundown.

Each rocket has 12 firecrackers attached. A rocket is put into a launching tube and then fired.

“Of course,” Chiang said, “we are not aiming at the monkeys. We are just making noise to scare them away.”

Why every 20 minutes?

“They are persistent,” Chiang complained. The monkeys do not leave the orchards. “They are scared and we can shoo them off, but they stay around, biding their time to begin to attack again and again,” he added.

Chiang did not say how much the orchard farmers pay him for his noise-making work.

Whatever they pay him, it’s not enough. Fighting on the front lines of the war against punkeys is courageous and deadly work. Thank you, Chiang, thank you.

Even punkeys dress up! Beware:

As this picture reveals, punkeys have been trying to enter human society for a least 100 years. From shorpy.com:

1909. Consul Peter smoking. Peter, famous monkey of the Parisian music halls, was an act at Oscar Hammersteins Paradise Roof Garden in New York. As the subject of Consul Crosses the Atlantic, he was also perhaps the first chimp movie star. George Grantham Bain Collection glass negative.

1909. "Consul Peter smoking." Peter, "famous monkey of the Parisian music halls," was an act at Oscar Hammerstein's Paradise Roof Garden in New York. As the subject of "Consul Crosses the Atlantic," he was also perhaps the first chimp movie star. George Grantham Bain Collection glass negative.

What is the punkeys’ latest tactic? Become an economic drain to humans! Apparently in Plant City, FL (Occupied Territory) escaped monkeys are stealing feed and killing tractor batteries. From Tampa Bay Online:

Ray Clark first noticed corn vanishing at an alarming rate from deer feeders on his 600-acre Polk County ranch.

Then he discovered someone – or some thing – tampered with the switches and knobs on his tractors, draining the batteries on both.

The tiny footprints helped unravel the mystery. The remaining patas monkeys that escaped from nearby Safari Wild in April have turned to his property for a refuge from trappers, a reliable source of food and, it appears, a playground. (more…)

Video evidence that Punkeys are mobilizing and preparing for a ground assault. Here is the recon video:

And segways are not easy to ride as this picture of the president shows:

Conclusion: Punkeys may be smart enough to become president!!!